It’s in the stars: Credit Simple’s financial horoscopes (January)
Aries
New Year, new you, right Aries? Well, sort of. This is New Zealand, so the best thing you could possibly to do support our grass-based economy is to start 2017 with a new ewe. Depending on where you live, Trade Me has them for under $100 and unlike a puppy, when you get bored with it you can just eat it.
Taurus
If 2016 has gotten you down, Taurus, well you’re not alone. Trump! Brexit! Toblerone increasing the size of the gaps between the chocolate and not lowering the price! Luckily, the stars can explain what’s going on here. You know that thing accountants do where if they think a company will make a loss they bring forward the next year’s losses to make next year seem good by comparison? Well that’s basically what the stars did to us in 2016. Happy New Year!
Gemini
Statistics tell us that 25% of all Christmas gifts go straight into the bin. But don’t despair! Simply cross one in four friends and family members off your gift list this year and, voilà, you’ve turned a depressing statistic into a nifty festive season money saver. Your lucky number: the amount of dollars you won’t spend on junk.
Cancer
“Don’t Dream It’s Over,” sang Te Awamutu’s favourite musical son Neil Finn at Crowded Houses 53rd final-ever concert last year. Catchy tune, or reassurance that the relationship you thought would last forever stands a chance of being rekindled, despite her burning all your clothes and having the tattoo of your name removed from her arm with an orbital sander? Due to a string of cloudy nights at Credit Simple HQ as we go to print, the stars are unclear on this one. Safest to just go for “catchy tune,” we think.
Leo
Is the ukulele the new recorder? Quite possibly. Recent years have seen the atonal squawk of Satan’s Piccolo replaced with the bland strumming of the world’s most inadequate guitar. How does this affect you as Saturn heralds a new solar year, Leo? Not 100% sure on that point, but at least there won’t be recorders.
Virgo
As a parent, Virgo, it’s never too early in the year to start worrying about school lunches. Nutrition is super important for growing minds and bodies, but who really has time for that? Some might call allowing fast food outlets within 100 metres of school gates “irresponsible”. We just say “Wicked wings, fries and a Coke for $5 please”. Lucky BMI: anything south of 30. Better living, everyone!
Libra
Every penny counts for you, Libra, and for many households there’s nothing that sucks up more pennies than replacement ink cartridges for your computer printer. Even worse, most major manufacturers make the black ink from a pigment extracted from baby dolphins! How to avoid this cost to your wallet and the planet? Stand outside airport business lounges with a USB stick and ask well-dressed strangers if they’ll run off some prints for you inside. (Just don’t ask Gary McCormick though.)
Scorpio
Loyalty cards can be confusing, Scorpio, and it can be hard to know which are worth the effort and which just take up valuable space in your wallet or purse. The stars are clear on this point, though. Whenever you’re asked to hand over a card, just grab the first one your fingers touch, then insist to the shop assistant that they have it wrong, not you. Luck number if things turn nasty: 0800 LAWYER.
Sagittarius
Does every rattle of the letterbox flap fill you with dread at the thought it might be the postie delivering your Christmas credit card bill? Dread not! A little ingenuity will make sure you’re never bothered by such summer nastiness. Simply place a powerful garden sprinkler right by your letterbox and hire a student to turn on the tap every time the postie approaches. Problem solved! (Or you could, you know, spend prudently and pay your entire balance off by the due date.)
Capricorn
A rare January supermoon coupled with particularly high tides at Petone Beach this month mean just one thing for you, Capricorn: surprise relationship news! The stars indicate that now is the best time you could possibly take a DNA test to explore your true heritage and connect with relatives you never knew you had. Because God knows, the ones you do know you have are rubbish.
Aquarius
Life is filled with tough choices, Aquarius. And choosing a bed covering in New Zealand’s fickly summer is among them. Duvet? Blanket? Some sort of waffle weave cotton throw? Luckily, the stars portend 20-50% off all Manchester this weekend only at Briscoes, so you can afford to buy all three, and pick up yet another nonstick frypan to go in the cupboard with all the others while you’re there.
Pisces
Pluto once figured greatly in your affairs, Pisces, but since it’s been voted off the planet-island you’re pretty much faced with a monthly roll of the cosmic dice. The good news? You just threw a double six. What does that mean? Either you’re going to live one year beyond the current age for government superannuation then die, or that Satanism could be a lifestyle worth exploring in 2017. Let us know how you get on!
