It's in the stars: Credit Simple's
financial horoscopes (December)

Aries
Earthquakes! Political turmoil! Unsightly hair in those hard to reach places! If it feels like there’s nothing the universe hasn’t thrown at you lately, Aries, then you’re not alone. Oscillations in the moon’s orbit, coupled with a particularly long run of dry weather around Dannevirke, mean your business and personal lives are unlikely to bring you much happiness this month. On the other hand, Lindauer is often on special in the lead up to Christmas, so there’s always that.

Taurus
Disturbances in the Van Allen Belt will have far-reaching consequences for you in the coming weeks, Taurus, with the most disturbing and shameful likely to be in the kitchen. That “sure to rise” pavlova recipe? Gird yourself for a flop. And as for that perfect lamb roast you do that all your friends can’t get enough of? Vegetarianism might be a fun option for now. Your lucky star this month? Nadia Lim.

Gemini
Love is in the air, Gemini. Paul McCartney sang that in his 1977 hit, “Love is in the air,” so it’s almost certainly true. What does this mean to you? Withdraw some of those rainy-day savings and treat yourself to an overseas flight! Research proves that even ordinary-looking people can seem more attractive at 36,000 feet, so if you’re one of them, low oxygen levels could be the love potion you’ve been waiting for. And hey, even if you don’t find love, remember that New Zealand has one of the most generous duty-free allowances anywhere, so you can always buy enough Toblerone to offset your loneliness on the way back in.

Cancer
There’s been a lot of talk about gold as an investment option recently, and with turmoil all about us you could do a lot worse than considering it as part of your portfolio. Wait, did you think we meant the expensive metal that goes up and down in value like an over-sugared kid on a bouncy castle? No! We meant Palmolive Gold, of course – New Zealand’s most popular deodorant soap. You know how the ads used to say “don’t wait to be told”? Consider yourself told.

Leo
As a Leo, people look to you as a leader – and that can be a real burden, especially when it comes to having the latest tech gadgets. Buying a new iPhone every time Apple brings one out can be expensive! So here’s our tip. Only buy every second new model. In between times, buy a brand known to explode, join a class action suit when it does, and use the proceeds to buy next year’s iPhone. You’re welcome.

Virgo
With Christmas fast approaching, you’re probably facing the same challenge most Virgos are at this time of year: how can you spend the shortest possible time with family so you can properly enjoy the fortnight-long Netflix binge you’re been planning since June. The stars are clear on this one: grab a dust mask from your nearest Mitre 10 ($4.99 for a pack of 5), wear it to Christmas lunch, then mumble something about Avian Flu to anyone close enough to hear. They’ll be pleased to see the back of you and then it’s just you and House of Cards for the duration.

Libra
You’re a caring person, Libra, and nothing matters more to you than making sure your loved ones are happy at this time of year. And what’s the best way to do that? Pretend you actually like them! Top tip: enter their photos into one of those “which movie star do you look like” quizzes on Facebook, then pretend you’re at a Christmas party with a bunch of interesting actors, instead of the drab and uninteresting miscellany of friend and family that DNA and circumstance have cursed you with.

Scorpio
Credit card interest rates can be a real gotcha at this time of year. We all know that, so what can you do to avoid that nasty post-Christmas sting in the tail? (See what we did there, Scorpio?) Well, you could always pay your bill off in full before the due date, but in this case your stars are clear: take what little money you have left, head for the nearest casino and drop it all on black. Wait, red. The stars say red. Or is it black? It’s definitely one of those.

Sagittarius
Career changes loom large for you this month, Sagittarius, so if you’ve ever wanted to tell your boss to take this job and shove it, now’s the time! Not convinced? Just click on one of those online ads about New Zealand Mom Works 20hrs a Week and Clears $20,000 a Month! Be warned, though, Millionaires Will Hate You. (And if that doesn’t work, try This One Weird Tip to Lose Belly Fat.)

Capricorn
Capricorns are among the Zodiac’s greatest travelers, and with international airfares at an all-time low, this month is a great time for you to see the world. Take care, though! An ascendant Saturn indicates that while you’re off enjoying $2 cocktails on some beach in Bali, those dodgy neighbours back home will almost certainly be burgling your house and doing unspeakable things with your toothbrush. Still, $2 is a good price for a cocktail, so your call.

Aquarius
As an Aquarius, you’re very well aware of your body and what goes into it. It’s likely you’ve already eschewed gluten, meat, dairy and sugar, so your challenge in the next month is to find something else to avoid. Problem sorted! The stars suggest a “chemical-free” diet will bring you even more health and happiness than you currently enjoy. The only problem: all you can eat now are abstract concepts, unconnected from the physical world. Tasty!

Pisces
Summer can be a time for new beginnings, Pisces, so take the opportunity in the coming weeks to throw out old unwanted things, seek out new ones and give the ones you love a lick of paint. Do we mean occasional furniture or family members? Unfortunately, the stars are unclear on this point, so be sure to choose a non-toxic paint, and be careful not to get any in their eyes.