It's in the stars: Credit Simple's
financial horoscopes (February)

Aries
That pain in your shoulder? It’s just your body’s way of telling you that carrying your savings around as coins so the CIA can’t hack your bank account details isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had. Instead, the stars suggest you consider a cheque or savings account with a major bank plus a low interest credit card with low or no annual card fees. Lucky number: anything under 10%.

Taurus
Your coffee order says more about you than you realise, Taurus. Long black? You’re a simple soul but your feelings run deep. Flat white with an extra shot? Friends and coworkers think you’re dumb, and they’re right. Decaf skinny latte? You might as well just get an empty takeaway cup and suck on the cardboard all afternoon.

Gemini
Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves – that’s what the stars are telling you this month, Gemini. What does that mean though, exactly? Not much it all, it turns out, as we converted to decimal currency in 1967. Lucky number: 6 shillings and sixpence.

Cancer
Supermarket fuel discount vouchers hold the key to your financial success this month, Cancer. So get out there and shop shop shop! Buy things you don’t even need to push your trolley over the $200 mark (we recommend batteries as both expensive and easy to carry), then weep when you remember your scooter only takes 10 litres of 91 and you’ll only save a dollar.

Leo
2016 was New Zealand’s hottest year on record, Leo, with temperatures reaching levels unseen in our history. What does this mean to you? Crank that air conditioning up, of course! Anything warmer than 20 degrees and you’re really not trying. And if it gets too cold, hey, pop on a coat (polar bear fur is super-snuggly!).

Virgo
Sporting success looms large for you this year. But in what sport, exactly? The stars are less clear on this point, so you might want to consider inventing your own sport, writing the rules and awarding yourself a gold medal or two. Water-Cricket, anyone?

Libra
Pesky stains in your good pants will mar an otherwise spotless month for you, Libra. Don’t rush to clean them, though, as their shape might hold clues to your financial future! A roughly circular stain (the “coin”) means you’ll come into money, probably next Tuesday. A stain in the shape of a rectangle is a reminder your credit card payment was due last week. And if your stain is roughly the shape of Nigeria, you should reply to those emails and give that exiled Prince everything he’s asking for.

Scorpio
Tipping can be perilous, Scorpio, and while once confined mainly to the USA it’s now finding its way into local bars and restaurants. But how much to add to the bill? The answers are in the stars, of course. As a Scorpio, fluctuations in Saturn’s orbit make it clear that the only tips you should ever give are “always brush after meals,” and “salt gets red wine stains out of carpets”.

Sagittarius
Remember that VCR you could never programme, Sagittarius? Well the good news is that this month is the one that finally sees you working it out once and for all. Sure, your friends might mock you for being 30 years late to the party, but will they be watching today’s 6pm news later tonight or even weeks later? No they will not – so who’s laughing now?

Capricorn
“Stop, drop and roll,” the earthquake ads used to say. Or was that the fire ads? Either way, if you happen to be in a hotel and an earthquake strikes, take our handy advice: drink all the wine from the mini bar, break the bottles on the floor, then blame mother nature. You’re welcome! (Caution: this otherwise excellent ruse really won’t work with the $9 Toblerones.)

Aquarius
Diet has always been a worry for you, Aquarius. The good news is that, as far as the stars are concerned, the answers lies in dairy. Specifically, Patel’s Dairy on High Street across from the Liquor Shed. An ascending Jupiter makes it almost certain that their “goods close to expiry” shelf will have enough on it to see you right all month long (especially if you don’t mind eating a lot of gravy powder). Lucky number: your nearest Accident and Emergency clinic.

Pisces
That bright star racing across the sky at sunset that you’ve been pinning your hopes on all Summer? That’s a urine dump from the International Space Station, so you’ll need to find inspiration closer to home, sorry. The spookiest part of all? We wrote this horoscope for you before the Trump stories broke. You know the ones.