It's in the stars: Credit Simple's financial horoscopes (October)

Aries
As Saturn reaches its closest point to Earth this month, the wise Aries will be thinking about kindness to others, avoiding foods starting with P, and paying off that pesky credit card debt before Christmas kicks in. Lucky number: any single-digit interest rate.

Taurus
An ascendant Shatner’s Bassoon, coupled with some instability in the Euro, could mean great things for the canny Taurus. Invest wisely now and you’re sure to reap the benefits in the New Year. Or just blow it all on fast food and Pokéballs. The stars are unclear on this.

Gemini
On the one hand, paying off the bills from your recent birthday celebrations could prove prudent, especially as your Mercurial personality can make impulse purchases very hard to resist. On the other hand, buying up all the Branjelina souvenirs you can find on eBay could be the smartest move you ever made. Probably not though.

Cancer
The irresistible pull of the Moon means October could be yet another month of moving sideways for you. But you’re used to that as a crab, right? Make the most of it and use those big scary pincers to grab every penny that comes your way. Oh, and try not to scuttle into baskets with one-way entrances, no matter how tempting the fish inside appears. Lucky condiment: tartare sauce.

Leo
Quite the month ahead for the King of the Financial Jungle. Your reputation for wisdom and insight means others will turn to you for financial and personal advice. Don’t give it, of course; refer them instead to their Credit Simple Financial Horoscope. It’s Scientific-ish™!

Virgo
Your reputation for gullibility will prove unfounded this month, Virgo, as your years of hard-learned life lessons and a wobble in Neptune’s orbit combine to keep you safe from financial peril. If you’ve found this advice helpful, please email [email protected] with your full name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name and bank account details. Just because.

Libra
Life can be a rollercoaster for you, Libra, so this month make sure your hands stay inside the car and that you hand any loose objects to the attendant before boarding the ride. On the financial front, you might want to consider investing in our all-day pass, saving you up to 25% on our top rides AND scoring you free sprinkles with every ClownCone™ purchased.

Scorpio
A prince will enter your life this month, Scorpio – and he needs your help! His family is being held captive by an oppressive undemocratic regime in his home country and he has chosen to trust you to assist in releasing funds totalling $10million (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) from a Swiss Bank account. Please help, Dearest Friend Scorpio!

Sagittarius
Your destiny this month lies not in the stars, Sagittarius, but in the security features of the New Zealand $5 note. Did you know that when you microwave one for 30 seconds on High (1200w microwave), Sir Ed’s face changes to that of lovable television japester Dai Henwood? (Of course, doing this will mean your note is no longer legal tender, but who doesn’t want a pocket sized portrait of everyone’s pocket sized TV host?)

Capricorn
Travel will seem attractive this month, Capricorn, but carries with it the risk of financial penalty. Whether this takes the form of a parking ticket for being just one minute late back to your car, or unexpected mini bar charges for having one too many bottles of Moet while overnighting at Dubai’s Burj Al Arab is over to you. Choose wisely!

Aquarius
Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves, our mothers used to say. Then that guy on YouTube told us not to sweat the small stuff. What to do, Aquarius? In situations like this, our only advice is to ask yourself: did YouTube ever cook you a lamb roast? No it did not.

Pisces
Sure you’re a fish, but what kind of fish, financially speaking? If you’re a mussel, then unusually high tides this month mean you’ll do well to hold tight to the nearest kelp stalk. If you’re more of a Blue Cod, our only advice is to spend what remains of your life cursing the gods for going so well with chips.