Aries
That pain in your shoulder? It’s just your body’s way of telling you that carrying your savings around as coins so the CIA can’t hack your bank account details isn’t the best idea you’ve ever had. Instead, the stars suggest you consider a cheque or savings account with a major bank plus a low interest credit card with low or no annual card fees. Lucky number: anything under 10%.

Taurus
Your coffee order says more about you than you realise, Taurus. Long black? You’re a simple soul but your feelings run deep. Flat white with an extra shot? Friends and coworkers think you’re dumb, and they’re right. Decaf skinny latte? You might as well just get an empty takeaway cup and suck on the cardboard all afternoon.

Gemini
Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves – that’s what the stars are telling you this month, Gemini. What does that mean though, exactly? Not much it all, it turns out, as we converted to decimal currency in 1967. Lucky number: 6 shillings and sixpence.

Cancer
Supermarket fuel discount vouchers hold the key to your financial success this month, Cancer. So get out there and shop shop shop! Buy things you don’t even need to push your trolley over the $200 mark (we recommend batteries as both expensive and easy to carry), then weep when you remember your scooter only takes 10 litres of 91 and you’ll only save a dollar.

Leo
2016 was New Zealand’s hottest year on record, Leo, with temperatures reaching levels unseen in our history. What does this mean to you? Crank that air conditioning up, of course! Anything warmer than 20 degrees and you’re really not trying. And if it gets too cold, hey, pop on a coat (polar bear fur is super-snuggly!).

Virgo
Sporting success looms large for you this year. But in what sport, exactly? The stars are less clear on this point, so you might want to consider inventing your own sport, writing the rules and awarding yourself a gold medal or two. Water-Cricket, anyone?

Libra
Pesky stains in your good pants will mar an otherwise spotless month for you, Libra. Don’t rush to clean them, though, as their shape might hold clues to your financial future! A roughly circular stain (the “coin”) means you’ll come into money, probably next Tuesday. A stain in the shape of a rectangle is a reminder your credit card payment was due last week. And if your stain is roughly the shape of Nigeria, you should reply to those emails and give that exiled Prince everything he’s asking for.

Scorpio
Tipping can be perilous, Scorpio, and while once confined mainly to the USA it’s now finding its way into local bars and restaurants. But how much to add to the bill? The answers are in the stars, of course. As a Scorpio, fluctuations in Saturn’s orbit make it clear that the only tips you should ever give are “always brush after meals,” and “salt gets red wine stains out of carpets”.

Sagittarius
Remember that VCR you could never programme, Sagittarius? Well the good news is that this month is the one that finally sees you working it out once and for all. Sure, your friends might mock you for being 30 years late to the party, but will they be watching today’s 6pm news later tonight or even weeks later? No they will not – so who’s laughing now?

Capricorn
“Stop, drop and roll,” the earthquake ads used to say. Or was that the fire ads? Either way, if you happen to be in a hotel and an earthquake strikes, take our handy advice: drink all the wine from the mini bar, break the bottles on the floor, then blame mother nature. You’re welcome! (Caution: this otherwise excellent ruse really won’t work with the $9 Toblerones.)

Aquarius
Diet has always been a worry for you, Aquarius. The good news is that, as far as the stars are concerned, the answers lies in dairy. Specifically, Patel’s Dairy on High Street across from the Liquor Shed. An ascending Jupiter makes it almost certain that their “goods close to expiry” shelf will have enough on it to see you right all month long (especially if you don’t mind eating a lot of gravy powder). Lucky number: your nearest Accident and Emergency clinic.

Pisces
That bright star racing across the sky at sunset that you’ve been pinning your hopes on all Summer? That’s a urine dump from the International Space Station, so you’ll need to find inspiration closer to home, sorry. The spookiest part of all? We wrote this horoscope for you before the Trump stories broke. You know the ones.

Aries
New Year, new you, right Aries? Well, sort of. This is New Zealand, so the best thing you could possibly to do support our grass-based economy is to start 2017 with a new ewe. Depending on where you live, Trade Me has them for under $100 and unlike a puppy, when you get bored with it you can just eat it.

Taurus
If 2016 has gotten you down, Taurus, well you’re not alone. Trump! Brexit! Toblerone increasing the size of the gaps between the chocolate and not lowering the price! Luckily, the stars can explain what’s going on here. You know that thing accountants do where if they think a company will make a loss they bring forward the next year’s losses to make next year seem good by comparison? Well that’s basically what the stars did to us in 2016. Happy New Year!

Gemini
Statistics tell us that 25% of all Christmas gifts go straight into the bin. But don’t despair! Simply cross one in four friends and family members off your gift list this year and, voilà, you’ve turned a depressing statistic into a nifty festive season money saver. Your lucky number: the amount of dollars you won’t spend on junk.

Cancer
“Don’t Dream It’s Over,” sang Te Awamutu’s favourite musical son Neil Finn at Crowded Houses 53^rd final-ever concert last year. Catchy tune, or reassurance that the relationship you thought would last forever stands a chance of being rekindled, despite her burning all your clothes and having the tattoo of your name removed from her arm with an orbital sander? Due to a string of cloudy nights at Credit Simple HQ as we go to print, the stars are unclear on this one. Safest to just go for “catchy tune,” we think.

Leo
Is the ukulele the new recorder? Quite possibly. Recent years have seen the atonal squawk of Satan’s Piccolo replaced with the bland strumming of the world’s most inadequate guitar. How does this affect you as Saturn heralds a new solar year, Leo? Not 100% sure on that point, but at least there won’t be recorders.

Virgo
As a parent, Virgo, it’s never too early in the year to start worrying about school lunches. Nutrition is super important for growing minds and bodies, but who really has time for that? Some might call allowing fast food outlets within 100 metres of school gates “irresponsible”. We just say “Wicked wings, fries and a Coke for $5 please”. Lucky BMI: anything south of 30. Better living, everyone!

Libra
Every penny counts for you, Libra, and for many households there’s nothing that sucks up more pennies than replacement ink cartridges for your computer printer. Even worse, most major manufacturers make the black ink from a pigment extracted from baby dolphins! How to avoid this cost to your wallet and the planet? Stand outside airport business lounges with a USB stick and ask well-dressed strangers if they’ll run off some prints for you inside. (Just don’t ask Gary McCormick though.)

Scorpio
Loyalty cards can be confusing, Scorpio, and it can be hard to know which are worth the effort and which just take up valuable space in your wallet or purse. The stars are clear on this point, though. Whenever you’re asked to hand over a card, just grab the first one your fingers touch, then insist to the shop assistant that they have it wrong, not you. Luck number if things turn nasty: 0800 LAWYER.

Sagittarius
Does every rattle of the letterbox flap fill you with dread at the thought it might be the postie delivering your Christmas credit card bill? Dread not! A little ingenuity will make sure you’re never bothered by such summer nastiness. Simply place a powerful garden sprinkler right by your letterbox and hire a student to turn on the tap every time the postie approaches. Problem solved! (Or you could, you know, spend prudently and pay your entire balance off by the due date.)

Capricorn
A rare January supermoon coupled with particularly high tides at Petone Beach this month mean just one thing for you, Capricorn: surprise relationship news! The stars indicate that now is the best time you could possibly take a DNA test to explore your true heritage and connect with relatives you never knew you had. Because God knows, the ones you do know you have are rubbish.

Aquarius
Life is filled with tough choices, Aquarius. And choosing a bed covering in New Zealand’s fickly summer is among them. Duvet? Blanket? Some sort of waffle weave cotton throw? Luckily, the stars portend 20-50% off all Manchester this weekend only at Briscoes, so you can afford to buy all three, and pick up yet another nonstick frypan to go in the cupboard with all the others while you’re there.

Pisces
Pluto once figured greatly in your affairs, Pisces, but since it’s been voted off the planet-island you’re pretty much faced with a monthly roll of the cosmic dice. The good news? You just threw a double six. What does that mean? Either you’re going to live one year beyond the current age for government superannuation then die, or that Satanism could be a lifestyle worth exploring in 2017. Let us know how you get on!

Aries
Earthquakes! Political turmoil! Unsightly hair in those hard to reach places! If it feels like there’s nothing the universe hasn’t thrown at you lately, Aries, then you’re not alone. Oscillations in the moon’s orbit, coupled with a particularly long run of dry weather around Dannevirke, mean your business and personal lives are unlikely to bring you much happiness this month. On the other hand, Lindauer is often on special in the lead up to Christmas, so there’s always that.

Taurus
Disturbances in the Van Allen Belt will have far-reaching consequences for you in the coming weeks, Taurus, with the most disturbing and shameful likely to be in the kitchen. That “sure to rise” pavlova recipe? Gird yourself for a flop. And as for that perfect lamb roast you do that all your friends can’t get enough of? Vegetarianism might be a fun option for now. Your lucky star this month? Nadia Lim.

Gemini
Love is in the air, Gemini. Paul McCartney sang that in his 1977 hit, “Love is in the air,” so it’s almost certainly true. What does this mean to you? Withdraw some of those rainy-day savings and treat yourself to an overseas flight! Research proves that even ordinary-looking people can seem more attractive at 36,000 feet, so if you’re one of them, low oxygen levels could be the love potion you’ve been waiting for. And hey, even if you don’t find love, remember that New Zealand has one of the most generous duty-free allowances anywhere, so you can always buy enough Toblerone to offset your loneliness on the way back in.

Cancer
There’s been a lot of talk about gold as an investment option recently, and with turmoil all about us you could do a lot worse than considering it as part of your portfolio. Wait, did you think we meant the expensive metal that goes up and down in value like an over-sugared kid on a bouncy castle? No! We meant Palmolive Gold, of course – New Zealand’s most popular deodorant soap. You know how the ads used to say “don’t wait to be told”? Consider yourself told.

Leo
As a Leo, people look to you as a leader – and that can be a real burden, especially when it comes to having the latest tech gadgets. Buying a new iPhone every time Apple brings one out can be expensive! So here’s our tip. Only buy every second new model. In between times, buy a brand known to explode, join a class action suit when it does, and use the proceeds to buy next year’s iPhone. You’re welcome.

Virgo
With Christmas fast approaching, you’re probably facing the same challenge most Virgos are at this time of year: how can you spend the shortest possible time with family so you can properly enjoy the fortnight-long Netflix binge you’re been planning since June. The stars are clear on this one: grab a dust mask from your nearest Mitre 10 ($4.99 for a pack of 5), wear it to Christmas lunch, then mumble something about Avian Flu to anyone close enough to hear. They’ll be pleased to see the back of you and then it’s just you and House of Cards for the duration.

Libra
You’re a caring person, Libra, and nothing matters more to you than making sure your loved ones are happy at this time of year. And what’s the best way to do that? Pretend you actually like them! Top tip: enter their photos into one of those “which movie star do you look like” quizzes on Facebook, then pretend you’re at a Christmas party with a bunch of interesting actors, instead of the drab and uninteresting miscellany of friend and family that DNA and circumstance have cursed you with.

Scorpio
Credit card interest rates can be a real gotcha at this time of year. We all know that, so what can you do to avoid that nasty post-Christmas sting in the tail? (See what we did there, Scorpio?) Well, you could always pay your bill off in full before the due date, but in this case your stars are clear: take what little money you have left, head for the nearest casino and drop it all on black. Wait, red. The stars say red. Or is it black? It’s definitely one of those.

Sagittarius
Career changes loom large for you this month, Sagittarius, so if you’ve ever wanted to tell your boss to take this job and shove it, now’s the time! Not convinced? Just click on one of those online ads about New Zealand Mom Works 20hrs a Week and Clears $20,000 a Month! Be warned, though, Millionaires Will Hate You. (And if that doesn’t work, try This One Weird Tip to Lose Belly Fat.)

Capricorn
Capricorns are among the Zodiac’s greatest travelers, and with international airfares at an all-time low, this month is a great time for you to see the world. Take care, though! An ascendant Saturn indicates that while you’re off enjoying $2 cocktails on some beach in Bali, those dodgy neighbours back home will almost certainly be burgling your house and doing unspeakable things with your toothbrush. Still, $2 is a good price for a cocktail, so your call.

Aquarius
As an Aquarius, you’re very well aware of your body and what goes into it. It’s likely you’ve already eschewed gluten, meat, dairy and sugar, so your challenge in the next month is to find something else to avoid. Problem sorted! The stars suggest a “chemical-free” diet will bring you even more health and happiness than you currently enjoy. The only problem: all you can eat now are abstract concepts, unconnected from the physical world. Tasty!

Pisces
Summer can be a time for new beginnings, Pisces, so take the opportunity in the coming weeks to throw out old unwanted things, seek out new ones and give the ones you love a lick of paint. Do we mean occasional furniture or family members? Unfortunately, the stars are unclear on this point, so be sure to choose a non-toxic paint, and be careful not to get any in their eyes.

Aries
Like fellow Aries Donald Trump, former Reserve Bank Governor Don Brash and Ron Howard from television’s Happy Days, you face a month of change and challenge. The main challenge? Finding enough change to make it through the day. Top tip: look behind the sofa cushions. Just ignore the old Doritos.

Taurus
Smashed avocado looms green and delicious in your short term future, Taurus. Tasty breakfast treat rich in good oils, or potent metaphor for Gen Y’s inability to prioritise future savings goals over short term nom noms? Who knows – just get me some while you’re up, either way.

Gemini
As a Gemini, you’re all about the 50/50 split, so be sure to apply this to your financial life this month too. That restaurant bill? Halvesies! That Uber ride home? Surely the driver can chip in too… after all, he got to ride just as far in that nice comfy car as you did. (Pro tip: threaten him with a one star rating.)

Cancer
Gardening is New Zealand’s number one physical occupation, Cancer, which probably explains our relatively low birth rate. There’s no fighting it, though, so embrace the trend this month and wrap your horny little pincers around half a dozen tomato plants this weekend and they’ll be fruiting (or is it vegetabling?) by Christmas, saving you up to three dollars for two months of dirty-fingered labour.

Leo
Variety is the spice of life, Leo, but if you can’t lay your hands on that then can we recommend mono sodium glutamate? MSG (or “gourmet powder” as it’s also sometimes called) is a surprisingly affordable way to make cheap food taste fancy, is available in most Asian supermarkets and has hardly ever been shown to cause crazy side effects in rats. And hey, you’re a lion!

Virgo
Unlike you, squeaky clean Virgo, people are dirty filthy creatures, teeming with all manner of germs and unmentionable biohazards. So your best bet this month is to avoid touching them, or indeed anything one has touched. How? Contactless payments! Set aside your unfounded security concerns, seek out that Paywave logo and tap your way to germ-free commerce.

Libra
A penny saved is a penny earned, my mum always said. Mind you, when she said that you could get 10 wine gums for a penny and you probably nicked the penny from your neighbour’s milk money. Too young to understand any of that? Follow us on Snapchat and we’ll explain it all in dog emojis.

Scorpio
Travel is likely for you this month, Scorpio, but sadly a less than dominant Neptune coupled with a jump in the cost of petrol means that travel will mostly be via public transport. Be prepared! Practice your man-and-or-lady-spreading at home on the couch so you’ll be ready to own that bus seat when the time comes.

Sagittarius
Life is a rollercoaster for you this month, Sagittarius. What does that even mean? Well for starters, remove all loose objects from your pockets before boarding, keep your hands inside the cabin at all times and if someone is sick on you from behind, just be thankful you weren’t looking over your shoulder at the time.

Capricorn
Are those Christmas bells I can hear tinkling, Capricorn? Or have you left the fridge door open again? Time to suck it up and gird your loins once again for the pain and disappointment of those awful “combination” Christmas and birthday presents you’re been putting up with since you were wee.

Aquarius
Summer’s coming, Aquarius, and if you’re smart you’ll be thinking slip, slop slap. But who needs to drop big bucks on pricey SPF30 sunscreen? Not you! Save money and avoid sunburn by making your own from time-expired yoghurt, ordinary blackboard chalk (grind it up first!), cornflour and salt to taste. (Note: for this to work, you’ll also need to stay out of the sun.)

Pisces
“Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over,” sang Kiwi crooner Neil Finn at the end of his band Crowded House’s ninth final-ever reunion concert. What does this mean to you, Pisces? Take the time now to check that you have sound retirement plans in place that allow for a reasonable standard of living between age 65 and when you hear the gentle tap of death’s boney hand on your bedroom door. Alternatively, spend everything you have right now on fast cars and cheap wine. The stars are unclear on this point.

Aries
As Saturn reaches its closest point to Earth this month, the wise Aries will be thinking about kindness to others, avoiding foods starting with P, and paying off that pesky credit card debt before Christmas kicks in. Lucky number: any single-digit interest rate.

Taurus
An ascendant Shatner’s Bassoon, coupled with some instability in the Euro, could mean great things for the canny Taurus. Invest wisely now and you’re sure to reap the benefits in the New Year. Or just blow it all on fast food and Pokéballs. The stars are unclear on this.

Gemini
On the one hand, paying off the bills from your recent birthday celebrations could prove prudent, especially as your Mercurial personality can make impulse purchases very hard to resist. On the other hand, buying up all the Branjelina souvenirs you can find on eBay could be the smartest move you ever made. Probably not though.

Cancer
The irresistible pull of the Moon means October could be yet another month of moving sideways for you. But you’re used to that as a crab, right? Make the most of it and use those big scary pincers to grab every penny that comes your way. Oh, and try not to scuttle into baskets with one-way entrances, no matter how tempting the fish inside appears. Lucky condiment: tartare sauce.

Leo
Quite the month ahead for the King of the Financial Jungle. Your reputation for wisdom and insight means others will turn to you for financial and personal advice. Don’t give it, of course; refer them instead to their Credit Simple Financial Horoscope. It’s Scientific-ish!

Virgo
Your reputation for gullibility will prove unfounded this month, Virgo, as your years of hard-learned life lessons and a wobble in Neptune’s orbit combine to keep you safe from financial peril. If you’ve found this advice helpful, please email horoscopes@creditsimple.co.nz with your full name, date of birth, mother’s maiden name and bank account details. Just because.

Libra
Life can be a rollercoaster for you, Libra, so this month make sure your hands stay inside the car and that you hand any loose objects to the attendant before boarding the ride. On the financial front, you might want to consider investing in our all-day pass, saving you up to 25% on our top rides AND scoring you free sprinkles with every ClownCone purchased.

Scorpio
A prince will enter your life this month, Scorpio – and he needs your help! His family is being held captive by an oppressive undemocratic regime in his home country and he has chosen to trust you to assist in releasing funds totalling $10million (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) from a Swiss Bank account. Please help, Dearest Friend Scorpio!

Sagittarius
Your destiny this month lies not in the stars, Sagittarius, but in the security features of the New Zealand $5 note. Did you know that when you microwave one for 30 seconds on High (1200w microwave), Sir Ed’s face changes to that of lovable television japester Dai Henwood? (Of course, doing this will mean your note is no longer legal tender, but who doesn’t want a pocket sized portrait of everyone’s pocket sized TV host?)

Capricorn
Travel will seem attractive this month, Capricorn, but carries with it the risk of financial penalty. Whether this takes the form of a parking ticket for being just one minute late back to your car, or unexpected mini bar charges for having one too many bottles of Moet while overnighting at Dubai’s Burj Al Arab is over to you. Choose wisely!

Aquarius
Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves, our mothers used to say. Then that guy on YouTube told us not to sweat the small stuff. What to do, Aquarius? In situations like this, our only advice is to ask yourself: did YouTube ever cook you a lamb roast? No it did not.

Pisces
Sure you’re a fish, but what kind of fish, financially speaking? If you’re a mussel, then unusually high tides this month mean you’ll do well to hold tight to the nearest kelp stalk. If you’re more of a Blue Cod, our only advice is to spend what remains of your life cursing the gods for going so well with chips.